sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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