i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
