i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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