If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
