New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
