I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
