On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
