she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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