you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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