three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
