Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
