He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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