i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
