My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Randomize