I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
