Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
