Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
