And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
