I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
