if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
