I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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