I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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