My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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