The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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