I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
