seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
