Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Randomize
