why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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