if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
