Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
