I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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