i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
