Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I feel like a drive thru vagina
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
