I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
