Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
