the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
