All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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