At least make sure they are 18
Why
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
