just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
