She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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