there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
