i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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