my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
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