Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
wanna go halves on a baby?
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
