Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
it's not cheating when I paid for it
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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