I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Randomize
