I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
