After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
