somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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