and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
