We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
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