I think my fart just growled at me.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
