Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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