I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
