Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
