I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
