last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize
