I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
