Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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