listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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