I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
