if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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