I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
