dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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