why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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